Morgan Bell
Kynaston
REVIEW: Paranormal Activity
December 8th 2009 17:31
Summary: Worst movie EVER. I want a refund.
Directed & Written: Oren Peli
Starring: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Mark Fredrichs
Paranormal Activity is not scary, it is possibly the least scary "scary movie" I have ever seen. I was surprised to see the IMDB list the running time as 86 minutes, because it felt like five hours. An expanse of excruciating tedium spliced with a few pedestrian plot points.
In the cinema I was literally hunched over the seat in front of me with my chin on my hands wondering when it was going to end. I was willing the film to end. End or have something happen. Nothing happens. Well, nothing even slightly interesting happens until the last two minutes. Paranormal Activity felt like it was once a moderately interesting short film which was padded out with unwitty banter and snooze-worthy exorcist cliches. I imagined a cliche insertion team being employed before cinema release with the director shouting: "I don't just want uneventful, I want unoriginal!"
Before penning this review I looked over what other critics found to like about this film. Apparently it is so scary people are leaving the theatres out of fear. Ah no, those people were leaving out of boredom. I felt so inclined my self. It was so unengaging I was becoming aware of the cinema seats and carpet and the gradient of the floor.
Worse acting than The Cube. Hammy and unconvincing. There is no atmosphere, no context, no character development. I have seen YouTube skits with more convincing characters. Was it filmed out of sequence? Because the characters seemed to fluctuate between being at their wits end to being not very worried at all. There is no tension building. Therefore it is not frightening. It looks like a draft student film project before final edit.
I actually can't believe this film is screening at cinemas. Whoever is marketing this film deserves some sort of award. This film will not scare the average thinking person. Its only appeal is for people who genuinely believe in ghosts and hauntings. It is for the superstitious and the devoutly religious. The rest of us are unimpressed, checking our watches, and pondering why Katie is wearing a bra to bed.
The only scary thing about Paranormal Activity is the amount of people handing over their cash to see it.
SPOILERS BELOW
Specific yawns and groans:
Clutching a cross in a bloodied hand when there had been no former mention of the character's faith. Why does the presence of a ghost (sorry, demon) cause instant Catholicism in the victim?
Spinning the camera around and around to hammer home the footage is amateur. Because layman (non-cinematographers/directo rs) are incapable of holding a camera straight or steady. How many home videos do you have where the camera is rolling around on the floor or upside down? None, right? The character holding the camera supposedly has a history of filming and loves gadgets and technology. So why are we feeling sea-sick?
Not another satanic voice modulation to signify possession.
Not another Samara from The Ring ending.
A ouija board? Really?
Worst acting EVER award goes to Mark Fredrichs as the psychic. Move over Wahlberg, Diaz, Kidman, you have some new competition: an extra from The Bold & The Beautiful (I'm not joking).
Directed & Written: Oren Peli
Starring: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Mark Fredrichs
Paranormal Activity is not scary, it is possibly the least scary "scary movie" I have ever seen. I was surprised to see the IMDB list the running time as 86 minutes, because it felt like five hours. An expanse of excruciating tedium spliced with a few pedestrian plot points.
In the cinema I was literally hunched over the seat in front of me with my chin on my hands wondering when it was going to end. I was willing the film to end. End or have something happen. Nothing happens. Well, nothing even slightly interesting happens until the last two minutes. Paranormal Activity felt like it was once a moderately interesting short film which was padded out with unwitty banter and snooze-worthy exorcist cliches. I imagined a cliche insertion team being employed before cinema release with the director shouting: "I don't just want uneventful, I want unoriginal!"
Before penning this review I looked over what other critics found to like about this film. Apparently it is so scary people are leaving the theatres out of fear. Ah no, those people were leaving out of boredom. I felt so inclined my self. It was so unengaging I was becoming aware of the cinema seats and carpet and the gradient of the floor.
Worse acting than The Cube. Hammy and unconvincing. There is no atmosphere, no context, no character development. I have seen YouTube skits with more convincing characters. Was it filmed out of sequence? Because the characters seemed to fluctuate between being at their wits end to being not very worried at all. There is no tension building. Therefore it is not frightening. It looks like a draft student film project before final edit.
I actually can't believe this film is screening at cinemas. Whoever is marketing this film deserves some sort of award. This film will not scare the average thinking person. Its only appeal is for people who genuinely believe in ghosts and hauntings. It is for the superstitious and the devoutly religious. The rest of us are unimpressed, checking our watches, and pondering why Katie is wearing a bra to bed.
The only scary thing about Paranormal Activity is the amount of people handing over their cash to see it.
Katie (and her bra) in Paranormal Activity
SPOILERS BELOW
Specific yawns and groans:
Clutching a cross in a bloodied hand when there had been no former mention of the character's faith. Why does the presence of a ghost (sorry, demon) cause instant Catholicism in the victim?
Spinning the camera around and around to hammer home the footage is amateur. Because layman (non-cinematographers/directo rs) are incapable of holding a camera straight or steady. How many home videos do you have where the camera is rolling around on the floor or upside down? None, right? The character holding the camera supposedly has a history of filming and loves gadgets and technology. So why are we feeling sea-sick?
Not another satanic voice modulation to signify possession.
Not another Samara from The Ring ending.
A ouija board? Really?
Worst acting EVER award goes to Mark Fredrichs as the psychic. Move over Wahlberg, Diaz, Kidman, you have some new competition: an extra from The Bold & The Beautiful (I'm not joking).
The new bad-acting Mark: bold and (not so) beautiful
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